My Anywhere But Here Blog

The Different Forms of Tough Love

I have been thinking this week on the term “tough love.” What is it about that term that causes it to have so many different meanings? When I looked up articles and definitions of tough love, I was surprised to read so many varied responses.

Webster’s Dictionary, which I went to first, said, “Love or affection or concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner [as through discipline], especially to promote responsible behavior.” And the Cambridge Dictionary says it’s “the fact of deliberately not showing too much kindness to a person who has a problem so that the person will start to solve their own problems.”

But at what point is tough love needed? I can see it being needed for disciplinary factors, but should it be used on people who do not fit that category — who don’t need discipline as much as they need patience and understanding, and perhaps, instead of tough love, a gentle nurturing to convince them why your request or needs need to be met? Is “tough love” proper for all people? Should it apply to all or just to some? Who does it benefit?

I have an example of tough love and will discuss it here, but what I have been pondering is: when does it go too far, and who is the one who determines a range? And who decides when it goes from tough love to moving toward abuse?

Here is the example:

As a former social worker, I am trained to handle stubborn cases. I came upon a woman in her late 90s who refused to take showers due to handicapped limitations. There was no ability to have a walk-in shower in her residence where one could wheel or slide a shower chair into the shower; it required her to take a step up.

This woman would, though, always allow sponge baths by the nurses. But one day that ceased, and she would apparently give them a lot of grief as to why it needed to be done now. She would argue with them, saying that, knowing how exhausted she was, she saw no purpose in it having to be done.

I was asked to speak to one nurse on the matter, so I decided to observe the situation quietly without the nurse or patient knowing it was occurring. What I noticed was a very intense encounter between the nurse and the patient. Upon finishing the washing, the patient was in tears and the nurse was showing signs of pure exhaustion.

I was torn at how the nurse seemed very stern — and might I even describe it as harsh — and I term it cautiously rough. The patient was thoroughly shaken up by the whole ordeal, and I thought she will never, ever agree to being touched by this nurse or any other ever again.

I pulled the nurse aside and inquired as to what she thought she was accomplishing by treating her in said manner. She said to me it is tough love — if it hurts a little, then she’ll think twice about saying no, and maybe she will just comply and realize how important it is.

She then looked at me with the most focused eyes and said,

“I do not need germs to be taken home with me. I need my needs met too.”

She blinked and said,

“Tough love, Miss Thomas. Tough love.”

My mind, when I got to a moment where I could pause, said: is there a range where we determine perhaps it has gone too far — this “tough love”? I stood there not only as a professional, but as a human being trying to understand where care ended and control began.

In truth, with the whole above situation, I fully understood the nurse’s fear of germs and fatigue. I understood the patient’s exhaustion and frailty. Somewhere between the two stood the term “tough love,” and me trying to justify both.

First, I think we need to ask ourselves the definition in our own hearts and think on a range in relation to “tough love.” Who does make the decision on “tough love,” not just in the above example but…

Tough love in:

• Parenting
• Healthcare
• Friendships
• Society

Who decides?

Who benefits?

Who gets hurt?

I think we also have to ask ourselves: what should love feel like? Where do boundaries and compassion meet? What is the difference between firmness and harshness? Perhaps the question is not whether tough love exists, but whether love — when it is truly love — should ever lose its tenderness.

In a world that moves quickly and grows weary easily, perhaps we have become too comfortable placing the word love beside actions that feel anything but loving.

True love, even when firm, has always carried a thread of gentleness — a dignity, a pause, a recognition of the soul standing before us.

I do believe there are moments when firmness is necessary, when guidance must be clear and boundaries held. But I also believe that love, when guided by faith, never seeks to diminish in order to accomplish. It does not strip away tenderness in the name of efficiency.

God’s form of love has always appeared to me as both guiding and merciful — never hurried, never shaming, never void of compassion. And perhaps that is where our own measure should begin.

So maybe the question is not simply when tough love is required, but whether we have taken enough time to ensure that love remains present within it.

Because if love must be felt in order to heal, then even in our firmness it should still be recognizable as love.

And perhaps, in our quietest moments of reflection, we are each called to ask ourselves — not how strong our love appears, but how gently it is received.

Susan Beth Thomas

My Anywhere But Here