My Anywhere But Here Blog

In a world full of voices, being heard is still one of the greatest comforts

Today I was talking with a friend who had read my blog from yesterday. She said to me, “I am dealing with a few things too. How do you get people to really listen to you?”

I told her that I try to be what I call a reverse listener. I pause before I reply. I think about what the main discussion is truly about, even if I am not very familiar with the subject. I move through what I call the six responses to listening — the Five W’s and one H: Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How.

When you apply these to active listening, there tends to be fewer breakdowns in communication. You gain a clearer sense of how to show you are engaged — not just nodding and pretending, but truly present in the moment.

She said she was really struggling and didn’t think people truly listen to one another anymore. She told me she had spent nearly forty minutes with a friend the day before and felt that nowhere in the conversation was there help, understanding, or even a sense that her concerns were heard. She felt her friend was preoccupied and seemed to carry a “well, what about me” mindset.

My friend paused and then said something that stayed with me:

“I believe we have a sentimentality problem in the world today — that my problems feel bigger than everyone else’s, so I cannot spend time trying to understand yours too.”

I responded gently that perhaps that is someone who has not yet learned how to compartmentalize life — to set aside their own worries long enough to allow another person into their space to share and be supported.

Life is about sharing. When we share, we learn from one another. Sometimes we even discover that our situations are more similar than we realized. If we stop and ask ourselves honestly — have all of our problems ever been solved entirely alone? — I believe we would find that none of us has journeyed through life without the help, presence, or wisdom of others along the way.

I once read an article on active listening versus passive listening. It described active listening as engaging and respectful, while passive listening can sometimes look like a nod, a quick “uh-huh,” a distracted glance away, or divided attention. Active listening gathers information, reflects on what is being said, and then responds thoughtfully. That is where those Five W’s and one H come into play. They help us better understand someone’s situation before we rush to speak.

An active listener gathers information, reflects on it, and then shows engagement — perhaps by offering an opinion, while making it clear that it is only an opinion. The other person is free to consider it, respond to it, or continue on the path they already felt was right for them. Sometimes people simply need to feel heard in order to find clarity within themselves.

So after our conversation that morning, I asked my friend,

“Would you like to tell me what is on your mind? I make you my solemn promise that I will set everything down and focus on listening. Perhaps together we can find a way toward a solution.”

I have always said to those who need a shoulder to lean on or a place to rest their thoughts:

I will leave my troubles at the door for a little while, and you bring in yours.

Let’s take a ten- or fifteen-minute pause together.

Before we jump into what needs to be heard or solved, let’s simply sit in the understanding that for this moment, we are fully present for one another.

Perhaps by the end of that time, our loads will feel a little lighter and our hearts a bit less heavy. And maybe — just maybe — we will even leave with a renewed sense of hope for what tomorrow might hold.

In a world where everyone longs to be understood,

may we take the time to listen deeply,

to speak kindly,

and to trust that when hearts meet in understanding,

there is always a bit of light — and perhaps even a touch of God’s peace — present in the room.

With a listening heart,

Susan Beth Thomas

My Anywhere But Here